Not even four months it's been, but it seems like its been more than a year. The first person I've ever loved, the first homosexual relationship I've ever been in, the first relationship in general that I've been in for three years. All of these things add up to make this complicated situation I find myself in.
We met at work, she was my boss at a local yogurt shop and she hired me on. We worked together for a few months, and started to hang out outside of work a little bit. We did a few things together, went floating on the river, had dinner with her neighbor and father, watched movies, flirted etc. We only hung out about 4 or 5 times before the night when I came over after work, drank some tequila, and we ended up in bed together. From then on it was a whirlwind rollercoaster ride. We fell into each other, became best friends, had so much fun just being around each other. For the first couple of months it was like this, although I always had that feeling in the back of my mind that something wasn't right. I basically moved into her house, didn't go home for two months except to get my clothes or feed the cat. I was completely wrapped up in her life. We started to learn more about each other. I learned that she's mature and meticulous, pretty controlling and anxious about her surroundings and things being spick and span. Shes older than me, with a career and credit card payments and things tying her down to this place.
Im the opposite. I'm young and just starting on my journey. I want to be without boundaries, free to explore my spirituality and the fact that my sexuality is blossoming. I've been with plenty of men, but now I'm learning this other aspect, this ability for love with those of my same gender. I'm just beginning, just now learning to love myself, just now starting to figure out what I want to do with my life. And I know that it's not staying here. I know that I want to leave, I want to travel and experience culture and new places and people. I want to laugh and sing and spin around in circles until I'm bursting and radiating joy.
I have this fire, this spirit that I want to cultivate more and more, and I know that she has that same sort of fire, thats how we were drawn together in the first place, but together, we dim each other's fire. I often feel defeated and depressed because she gets irritated when I talk too much or sing too much or make silly noises. She thinks I'm being immature, she tells me I'm acting like a child. But you know what? I WANT to act like a child. I WANT to b silly and crazy and spiritual and connected with the earth. I want all of those things, but she doesnt like that.
How did I end up here? Sitting in my bed, checking my Messenger every 10 seconds to see if he finally got online? Looking at my phone to see if he texted, even though I know it would have made a sound if he did? How come, even though I told myself I wouldn't get upset, I wouldn't get disappointed, I wouldn't get too wrapped up in this, here I am. Sitting. Waiting. Wishing. How did I end up not wanting to go out and do anything, because I want to sit here and wait to talk to him?
WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME
My mood: somewhat melancholy
My best friend (we'll call her Lucy) and I have been friends for about 2 or 3 years now. We have been through quite a bit together, been through many boys, many friends, but we have always stuck together. But recently, things are different. For one thing, and this is something that really upsets me, I was dating a guy (we'll call him Jimmy) for several months and we broke up, there is a lot of tension between us. And by tension, I mean that I can't listen to a word that comes out of his mouth without me wanting to punch him in the face. Like, really, I can't stand to be around him. But Lucy decided that she and Jimmy are good friends. They hang out all the time, and she lies about it. She'll tell me that she's going to the doctor or something, and she's actually with Jimmy. I feel sort of betrayed. I feel like it's inappropriate on both their parts. For him, it's his ex girlfriends best friend. For her, it's her best friend's ex boyfriend, who I can't stand.
For another thing, she doesn't tell me anything. I never know what's going on with her. I don't know what her feelings or thoughts are. I'll ask her a bunch of questions to get her to talk, but I only get the bare minimum. I just feel like, we've gone through so much stuff, I should be the one she goes to for anything. I feel like I deserve to know what's going on with her. If we're both going through hard times, we should be able to go to each other. But that's not the case.
And finally, she doesn't really treat me like a best friend. Whenever I try and talk to her about things, just have a conversation, all I get is "uh huh. yeah. right. totally" while she's looking out the window or texting someone. And whenever I bring up an idea or anything, she looks at me like I'm totally stupid and I just shouldn't talk. It makes me feel horrible. She's supposed to be my best friend, you know? I try really hard to be a good person. To be a good friend, to just be kind and trustworthy. But it seems like no matter how hard I try, I get shit on. It's like nobody cares. Nothing I say matters, my feelings don't matter. I don't have anyone to talk to, because nobody wants to listen. That's a major reason why I've begun on this spiritual journey- to get closer to "God" to learn about myself more, and to learn how to deal with things like these. It's also why I've joined this site, because I know there are people who will listen and actually care. But it's extremely difficult to feel all alone in your life at home. Through all the crap, I try and be the bigger person. When people are being nasty and unfriendly, I try to take a deep breath, ask the universe for wisdom and peace of mind, and go about things the best way possible. It's getting me through, but it doesn't get rid of the fact that the people who are supposed to be my friends don't care about me the same way I care about them.
My mood: pretty confused
Many people say the world is to end on December 21, 2012. It boggles my mind that some people actually believe this. 2012, in my opinion, will be a substantial event, but not because the world is going to end. I believe that it will be a new beginning. Maybe, if we all just realize that we need to treat Mother Earth with respect and love, we will come to a place where the world will know true peace. Maybe something bad WILL happen, but maybe that something bad will bring us all together. It will open the eyes of so many people who just don't want to see. Don't want to understand. Don't want to know the truth. There is so much negativity in the world, it's not making out situation any better. If people could just be positive, and hope for the best, there would be no need to worry about the world ending in 2012. As human beings, we have the ability to make a difference. But everyone's too lazy to do anything about it.
Sometimes, I sit and think about my life. I've lived almost 18 years on this planet, but it feels like a much longer. And then I think....I have so much life left to live. I have to: Go to college, find a mate, travel the world, graduate college, get "married", have children, raise those children, (working, this whole time) put my children through college, watch them get married, become a grandparent, and THEN I will be at the end of my life. But sometimes, its really hard to believe that I'll live that long. Not only am I exhausted at the thought of living for so many more years, but it also seems totally improbable. I can't see myself with kids, or grandkids. I don't know why, but I don't believe that I'm GOING to live that long, and I don't know why.My mood: a bit lazy
I've always felt different. Not quite like everyone else. When I was 13 years old, I was given wine lists and asked what college I went to. And as the stereotypical Pisces, I've always been a little more introverted than most. While people my age are worrying about high school parties and their little cliques, I'm thinking about beginning my spiritual journey. About how I can learn to broaden my mind, make my soul more peaceful and in touch with my higher power, and figure out how to get more in touch with my psychic abilities, I want to be able to help others with it.
Growing up feeling so different in a sea of rich, blond, cake-faced girls, I always thought there was something wrong with me. I was tall, bigger boned, and brunette. I felt like I would never be loved. I felt ugly. I hated myself to no end. Then, when I started to find my spiritual side, I realized that I was totally wrong. I realized, I AM beautiful. What I have to say DOES matter. I WILL have some sort of impact on my world and the people around me. I look at the world with a set of new eyes. I've developed my own beliefs and views on the world and life in general. I am finally alright with myself. And I know that once I move away and get to really live the way I want to, I will be happy. I WILL be happy.
Previous PostsFirst love pains, posted November 15th, 2012
Why do I do this to myself?, posted January 6th, 2010, 1 comment
Best friend?, posted December 15th, 2009, 1 comment
My thoughts on 2012, posted December 3rd, 2009, 3 comments
Do you ever feel tired?, posted November 30th, 2009
Contentment, posted November 29th, 2009
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