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First love pains | childoftheearth's Blog


Not even four months it's been, but it seems like its been more than a year. The first person I've ever loved, the first homosexual relationship I've ever been in, the first relationship in general that I've been in for three years. All of these things add up to make this complicated situation I find myself in.

We met at work, she was my boss at a local yogurt shop and she hired me on. We worked together for a few months, and started to hang out outside of work a little bit. We did a few things together, went floating on the river, had dinner with her neighbor and father, watched movies, flirted etc. We only hung out about 4 or 5 times before the night when I came over after work, drank some tequila, and we ended up in bed together. From then on it was a whirlwind rollercoaster ride. We fell into each other, became best friends, had so much fun just being around each other. For the first couple of months it was like this, although I always had that feeling in the back of my mind that something wasn't right. I basically moved into her house, didn't go home for two months except to get my clothes or feed the cat. I was completely wrapped up in her life. We started to learn more about each other. I learned that she's mature and meticulous, pretty controlling and anxious about her surroundings and things being spick and span. Shes older than me, with a career and credit card payments and things tying her down to this place.

Im the opposite. I'm young and just starting on my journey. I want to be without boundaries, free to explore my spirituality and the fact that my sexuality is blossoming. I've been with plenty of men, but now I'm learning this other aspect, this ability for love with those of my same gender. I'm just beginning, just now learning to love myself, just now starting to figure out what I want to do with my life. And I know that it's not staying here. I know that I want to leave, I want to travel and experience culture and new places and people. I want to laugh and sing and spin around in circles until I'm bursting and radiating joy.

I have this fire, this spirit that I want to cultivate more and more, and I know that she has that same sort of fire, thats how we were drawn together in the first place, but together, we dim each other's fire. I often feel defeated and depressed  because she gets irritated when I talk too much or sing too much or make silly noises. She thinks I'm being immature, she tells me I'm acting like a child. But you know what? I WANT to act like a child. I WANT to b silly and crazy and spiritual and connected with the earth. I want all of those things, but she doesnt like that.

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Previous Posts
First love pains, posted November 15th, 2012
Why do I do this to myself?, posted January 6th, 2010, 1 comment
Best friend?, posted December 15th, 2009, 1 comment
My thoughts on 2012, posted December 3rd, 2009, 3 comments
Do you ever feel tired?, posted November 30th, 2009
Contentment, posted November 29th, 2009

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